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His Words
Sometimes bitterness takes root in my heart. Grabs hold and won’t let go. We’re talking vice grips. Bitterness for what others have and
what I don’t. A friend reminded me
the other day of all the various ways God has blessed my family. And she’s right of course. But bitterness has a way of blinding me
to anything but it’s blackness. It’s
deep, dark hole of “hey where’s mine God!”. Heard Joni Eareckson Tada talking about removing all
bitterness and I thought dude if she can get rid of it then I surely can. (Joni has been a quadriplegic
since a tragic diving accident in her teens). She was reading from a verse in Hebrews:
“Pursue peace with all people, and
holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone
fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become
defiled”
Right before this, the writer is talking about God’s
discipline of His children (see last post, if you’ve been slapped upside the
head by God it’s a good thing because it proves you’re really His child). He
acknowledges that it’s not an easy thing to withstand, that it wears you down
at times, to the point where you feel like even your “feeble knees” might give
way. But he says that when this
happens, we shouldn’t let what is lame become dislocated (i.e. become bitter), but instead let it be
healed.
So there it is.
My choice. Walk with a limp for the rest of my life like Jacob, or run and not be weary. Be bitter or be better. The enemy sneaks that root in when I'm not expecting it. So the minute I start to feel buried under by the weight of God’s discipline (because He’s keeping me from something I desperately want, or giving me something I desperately don’t
want) there should be yellow warning
signs going off in my mind. Danger,
Danger! Deep ravine of bitterness up ahead! Steer wisely!
As I’ve said, I
discipline my son because I want him to be a respectful, respected, Christlike
light to the world, because I love him so. And because I know that disciplined, godly living is the only way he’ll
ever have any real excitement, real purpose, real passion. God wants
no less for me and so he disciplines me. I must let that truth fill me. I must be filled with believing that His hand knows just the right
distance to keep things. Without faith it is
impossible to please God. Without
faith it is impossible to become anything other than the bitter old lady that
nobody wants to be around.
Last thought – sometimes the roots are so deep that I can’t get
them out. Sometimes I feel so
strongly that I have been wronged (by God, by whomever) that I can’t even get
the words of a remorseful prayer to come out of my mouth. I don’t even know how to begin to
express to God that I’m in sin because I feel so justified in my
bitterness. During these times, I take God at His word and ask the Holy Spirit to work it out in my heart. To help me know how to communicate with God. To turn my groanings into holy words. And I keep asking that. This is tough stuff. Wrestling with God always is.
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