I’m starting to get a little verklempt when I think about leaving E to get our kiddos in China. If things go well we should be there around 3 weeks. That is a looong time to be without our best bud. Thankfully he’ll be with my parents, whom he adores, so I’m not worried about his care, but there are so many other things to think about. A friend told me that she found her little girl making a mess in her bathroom the other day. I can honestly say I’ve never “found” Eli doing anything. If he’s not at MDO, bible study or church he is invariably at mine or his Daddy’s side. I run over him ten times a day just because he is always right under my feet. And we like it that way.
I think part of the reason I get so freaked out (Chip says I’m the most unemotional woman he’s ever met. I don’t cry, I freak) is because I know I’m not just saying goodbye to him. I’m saying goodbye to us. To the way we are right now. And I've got to tell you, the way we are right now is pretty flippin good. E has always been a super easy baby and child. He’s compassionate and kind and smart and ridiculously funny, not to mention super cute. He’s got such a soft heart and wants nothing more than to snuggle on the couch with us. We were married for twelve years before he was born, and we enjoy every minute we’re with him (well 95% of the minutes we’re with him, not the puking minutes).
But it is neither healthy nor Godly for a three year old to think, or know, that the world revolves around him. Even though so much of me desperately wants him to stay in his cocoon of wonder and love and new matchbox cars every week, I can’t let him. I need him to see the gospel in us, in what we do and not just what we say. And for our family, living out the gospel means adoption. I need him to know that the majority of the world is aching, aching, for the healing balm that God told me to be. That as followers of Christ we should…gasp….do what Christ did. Yes, he evangelized, but he also healed the sick, fed the poor, counseled those in need. Didn’t he?? So that’s what I must do.
In many ways, when we come home E’s world will come crashing down around him. The mommy and daddy who literally fell over each other while sprinting up the stairs to see why he was crying will now have two other children to sprint to. I’ve never been super good at math (I realize I have an accounting degree but that's why God made spreadsheets) but E + 2 more = 3. And the last time I checked, there are only two of us to care for them. So that means at least one child will not have our undivided attention. That breaks my heart.
No good resolution to this post, except to say that the Master I follow says that if you want to find your life then you must lose it. I pray that’s what we’re doing. All of us.
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1 comments:
Traci, i and my husband are wowed by your post. To say, "I need him to see the Gospel in us, in what we do not just what we say" is such an inspirational quote! Prayers will certainly go with you to China and stay here with your sweet little man and parents.
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